Sunday, December 7, 2008

Just a Few Thoughts

Here I am sitting by myself on a Sunday night just thinking heavily about the next few days. On Tuesday, we are starting the international part of this peace effort. It feels rather odd though. I am humbled by all of the attention that we are getting for this peace effort. There are so many people who feel that violence should end and they are expressing themselves. If I told you I did not feel anything right now, I would be totally lying.

Tonight, I am hurting deeply for my friend Tiffany. My dear sister. She did not deserve to die. She especially did not deserve to die the way she died. I cannot describe to you the way I feel right now because it is so deep. My world on one end has opened up, but on one end it has closed. A chapter of life where friendship and brotherhood and sisterhood were in harmony has ended. I still cannot believe that she has been killed. I know I have to come to grips with it, but it has been difficult. Rather than simply be quiet, I have totally reached out. I am reaching out for my sister, Nicky. I am reaching out for all of Tiffany's family and friends. I am reaching out for so many people who just cannot reach out. The world is hurting and I can feel it. Simple ole me. I can feel it.

So, what exactly do I feel. Well, I do have a sense of calm and peace about me. In the past, I probably would have been so angry at Roderick Ridley for killing Tiffany, but I am not. I am hopeful that he has asked for understanding. I am hopeful that he knows what he has done. I mean, he stabbed her over 50 times. I am not sure if I can appropriately explain that kind of rage. I have seen it before, but not like this. Watching my mother and brother die in front of me was certainly a sight to see, but none like what Tiffany suffered. I wonder, was she alive after those 50 wounds? When did she not feel the pain? What a sad day on earth when this kind of violence occurs.

You see, that's why I am reaching out. My heart is heavy. My heart is heavier than it has been in a long time. I thought that these kinds of feelings would never be felt again. I am in disbelief, but yet so hopeful for mankind. I am hopeful that we gain an understanding for each other that is beyond ourselves. I am hopeful that we raise ourselves up from despair and actually take the time out to love our fellow human being.

I know I may be rambling on and on, but I just had to say something tonight. I had to open up because loosing a sister and dear friend is hard. It is difficult. I have immersed myself in trying to cope with it in the most positive manner. With the kind of help that this effort has received I am more than hopeful about the outcome, the result. Now, I am not fooling myself here. There may never be the kind of outcome that we hope for, but there is something about affecting just one life that keeps me going. That one life could be another Tiffany. That one life could be another Jacqueline Kellibrew or Anthony Cephas (my mother and brother). Just think. If my mother did not die, I probably would not be here in this peace movement. I have begun to accept my purpose on earth. There is a reason that I am doing what I am doing. There is no better way to describe it to me. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I just feel the need to reach out far across the oceans and ask for somebody to please help me. I am asking somebody to help somebody because somebody is hurting.

If you are out there tonight and you feel lonely, in despair, hurting deeper than you ever have...please hold on. Hold on to what is life. Hold on to what is breath. There is a larger purpose for you on this earth and it is not always revealed, but seeking it can really help. Think of something positive in your life and hold on to it. Something has made you feel good about yourself. Something has helped you to see the strength in struggle. Believe me. I have felt like I have wanted to die before. I wanted to take my own life as a teenager and in my early twenties. My self-esteem was so bad that I just did not care about life. It took so much to dig out of that hole. There were times when I was in bed for three days at a time. I could not eat. I could not sleep. I could not do anything. I was hurting.

Today, I can sit here and type this message because this is bigger than me. Saving someone else's life is more important than anything right now. Being able to influece someone to feel better about themselves is more important to me right now. It is more important than any degree I could receive right now. It is more important than any amount of money. We have to treat each other better than this. We have to be our brother and sister's keeper. We have to care so much about someone that we can simply help them up when they have fallen.

Let's go about the next few days really considering how we move about earth. Let's affect someone positively. I cannot stress that enough tonight. Some person's soul tonight has been pierced in a negative way. Let's do everything in our power to hold on to the peace in us and then let it out by touching someone else.

Thank you so much for reading if you made it this far. Thank you so much for caring if you made this far. Leave a comment if you want. I do read them. I actually read every last one of them no matter what. I like dialogue.

God bless you tonight. If you do not believe in God, then that's okay. May all of the positive forces lead you and guide you in your deepest and darkest hour. No matter what your belief, just know that someone out there cares for you and your well-being. I love you guys. That means every human on earth. I simply love you.

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